" Hello and welcome to this issues%help pages. I aim to drop a few tasty hints, and help you, the reading
public in many of your most
irritating"problems around the house, garden,%garage, crematorium, asylum, gelatine
etc." My first problem comes from a Mr and Mrs Assenev (that name seems$strangly familiar... -P.V.F.C.) from
Pontly in Berkshire. Their son!Sidarap (that one sounds familiar
too... -P.V.F.C.) (Don't these Hungarians have stupid names) is"almost seven years of age, and his$parents have written to me asking if"I know any appropriate party games#for a group of people about his age#to play at his birthday party. I am
glad to help, and here are my
suggestions.
PASS THE PARCEL
---------------
#A pre-prepared present is prepared,%and is thus prepared by placing it in"paper, and then papering again and$again in layers. The parcel of paper$(and pre-prepared present) is passed$round a circle of pre-puberty people (ie children) and when the music#stops the person holding the parcel
gets to unwrap a layer. This
continues until the present is unwrapped (note: at every single
party I've been to, the present always goes to some snotty nosed"girl, and it's not fair. Make sure
you fix it so that a nice young$gentleman gets the horrendously good
prize)
POSTMANS KNOCK
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" The children take turns to put a$blindfold on and run about the house"knocking valuble vases / ornaments#over and totally wrecking the place"(NOTE: The enjoyment level of this$game can be increased by dousing the"house with petrol (essence -french$speaking ed), and giving the child a
blow torch to use)
SARDINES
--------
%a varient of hide and seek. At all my!parties, it means taking all your$clothes off, and getting in bed with!about 20 other people.. it's good
WIGGLE MY FINGER
----------------
This game is played by all the
players going into the kitchen,"opening the fridge, getting out as%many milk based products as possible,
shoving them down your#trousers/pants/skirt/bra/blouse (or%sombody elses) The person who manages
to get the most products in his!various pieces of clothing has to$drink 8 pints of lager, stand on one!leg and sing 'Be My Baby' without"slurring or mumbling, otherwise he"has to pay for my next 'gathering'$(for an extra challenge, get them to
sing 'Joe Le Taxi' instead.
(including the bit at the very$beggining where the car screeches to!halt) Chances are, they will just$keep saying "Joe le taxi" a lot, and"somthing about buying a soda until
they can't stand on one leg any"longer and they fall over, meaning#instant disqualification -P.V.F.C.)
ELEPHANT RACES
--------------
% This game has to be pre-prepared by#painting all the walls of the house!(interior and exrterior) a bright$yellow. Then, paint the naked bodies"of all the children in peach melba$yoghurt, phone the police and say "I#think you'd better come round to my"house, 'cause I'm compleatly mad."$Give your address, phone number, bra%size (if appropriate) and then go and%hide in the pond at the bottom of the
garden.
WEDDING NIGHT BLUES
-------------------
This involves stripping the"birthday boy/girl naked, and tying#them to a lamppost in the middle of the australian outback (the same%effect can be produced using a tin of%smoked salmon and a packet of panadol
extra)
END OF EXAMS GAME
-----------------
This involves smashing all the%windows in the house, puking over the%carpet pissing on the walls, dropping$cigarette ash all over the sofa, and
getting drunk. Get a few people"pregnant, and then get a few other"people arrested (ruining their job
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